In Memoriam & Thanks

Sorry for my silence, but first and foremost in my mind was helping to take care of my family and grieving for my Grandfather. Even though we knew this was coming, in the first few days there was a thick pressure in my head along with a fog of disbelief and an aching heart. That ache intensified when I wondered what my Grandmother must be feeling; the woman who lost the love of her life. They had been married for over 60 years. She was amazingly strong.

All that was eased by well wishes and prayers from wonderful people like you. I can't thank you enough for your kindness. My Grandfather was a pivotal male role model in my life and so full of strength and joie de vivre. It's hard to believe that's gone. I also feel more at peace for having such a wonderful visit with him the day before he died, and for grieving with the rest of my family at the memorial service and aiding them the best I could. At times like these, all I ever want is to be surrounded by those who feel as I do and to give comfort. It eases the passing and strengthens family bonds.

I'm so proud and full of love for both my Grandparents that I have to share a little about them.
They were both part of the "greatest generation." Grandfather was the perfect age to be called in to World War II. He desperately wanted to be a pilot and managed to gain a spot in the newly formed air force. He flew many missions in the Pacific theater and was forever fond of his beloved plane. No new model (though he flew them) ever captured his heart quite as well. He also loved baseball and was drafted to the big leagues but called to War before he could even begin his career. My Grandparents both decided to wait to marry until he returned. And thankfully he returned to her whole and sound. They started their family a few years later and Grandfather began a long and distinguished career as a Colonel in the US Air Force. Grandmother did an amazing job of keeping the family together and centered while moving all over the world. She also volunteers (still!) for a great variety of womens' causes and stays very active in her community.

They spent a lot of time with their grandchildren no matter how many miles separated them. I have so many fond memories of weeks and months spent with them and my cousins. Thinking back, I'm amazed at their energy and patience... to take in grandchildren from various children for such long stretches. It was great fun and a fundamental part of my upbringing. My Grandmother taught us a lot about life, and beneath the tough exterior, my Grandfather was putty in the hands of his granddaughters (and later - grandsons). My grandparents had mostly boys, but their boys sired mostly girls. On our last visit, my Grandmother asked Grandfather what sex he thought his great grandchildren would be. Despite his difficulty speaking, there was absolutely no hesitation. "Girls," he muttered, with that wry gleam in his eye that spoke volumes. He also spoke about how he wished to hold a baby. I still curse the fates that prohibited us from giving Grandfather his wish. He would have been able to see his great grandchild's first birthday if all had gone according to what we wanted. Instead, PCOS and Hashimoto's robbed us of that chance. I briefly thought about delaying ttc for a little while because of the stress and the desire to give comfort instead of looking inward at this time. However, the miracle of life is what keeps humanity going. For the living left behind, the eventual ending to the story is always sad. Without the continuing wonder at life's gifts and those newly arrived, it would be a sad world indeed. Thus, I decided to plug at it for Grandfather. This is just one more kick in my butt to keep going and not wallow in self pity. Grandfather had no patience for self pity, and it is useless to me. I am learning so much from my journey and I'm grateful. When it finally changes into the journey of parenthood, my Grandfather will be with me in heart and mind. The lessons he taught me will be taught to my children. And I know he'll be glad.

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