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This is the chapter that I've been referring to in my other posts. This chapter led me to quite a few lightbulb moments. One of the issues that I was really glad to learn about was that the minute you even begin thinking about having a baby, it modifies how you think about yourself and your partner. You may even change careers or experience an extreme shift in priorities due to your new focus. I can definitely vouch for that and know that it may be part of the explanation for that "mid-life crisis" feeling I've been having. In addition to that, the uncertainty and pain of infertility may even affect the way you perform and how you feel in your job. Again, I can relate. This leads to the next issue that really hit home for me.
Healthy narcissism is described in the book as a concern for the self. We all need this to be able to function smoothly and healthily. They go on to describe that a narcissistic injury occurs when something like infertility damages your self esteem. Having a child can often fuel healthy narcissism by allowing people to undo or redo painful instances from their childhood. Infertility, on the other hand, often only aggravates narcissistic injury through guilt, regret and a sense of failure. This further amplifies and enables us to create, the sense of isolation we feel. I know that there have definitely been times when I have isolated myself more than my friends would have liked, and it made me feel worse to be so alone even though that's what I had engineered. I also never had the strongest self esteem to begin with, so now I find myself dealing with the lack of that base on top of a further emotional injury.
In addition to these feelings, we worry that the most seemingly innocuous comment to someone else will be the trigger that unleashes a torrent of emotion within us. No one wants to break down publicly at the question, "So when are you going to have babies?" In reality, it's not that the question is so inherently horrible (though it is rude and nosy), it's that our foundation is already so poor that we can go from fine to quivering mess in the blink of an eye. I've truly scared more friends and family than I'd like to admit by doing just that. I just hope they realize what causes it and don't chalk it up to complete insanity. It's because of this, the book notes, that we feel the need to defend ourselves against the ideas that other people have.
Again - all this self doubt and injury leaks into all facets of our lives. Since our very cores have been so wounded, we are less able to deal with any sort of criticism at work, pressure to get a job done well and the work it takes to maintain and build relationships. Though I am unhappy with many aspects of my workplace right now, I've vowed that I will work on myself and my issues before tackling that one. I have a feeling that if I tried to fix these problems by changing job tracks, that I would only end up in the same place since a large part of the problem lies within.
So how do we help heal ourselves? Well, one thing that I feel I've already managed is to understand that I am not my infertility. It's very important that infertility just become an aspect of your life and not the overriding feature. The authors also suggest writing down a list of your positive attributes without apology. I think that's a great idea. Here goes:
It says something that as I typed these, I thought the opposite negative about myself in my head. But I'm going to try to focus on the words actually written instead.
As a final nod to healing, the authors propose that we need to acknowledge the depth of damage that IF can cause to our self esteem. We also need to acknowledge that our reproductive story isn't what we hoped it would be. Boy that's a hard one to let go of. Third, we need to understand the myths and cultural pressures that make us feel less than we should. And finally, we need to realize the good in us that make us more than our infertility. Understanding these truths is simple. It's making them our truths that is difficult. If we can do that, we stand a chance.
Move on to: Why Not Me?
Injury and Healing - Unsung Lullabies Chapter 5 Review
loyal, hard working, honest, enjoyment of the small things (this is one hub says he loves about me), loving, creative, giving, kind, nurturing, friendly, crazy (in a fun way), introspective, intelligent, driven, curious