Unsung Lullabies - Ch. 6 & 7

Disclaimer and disappointments: The next 2 chapters primarily discuss the problems amongst husbands and wives when trying to conceive. I was sorry to see that there wasn't more detailed info on male reproductive issues. I was also sorry to see that it was assumed that people needing counseling for infertility were all heterosexual couples. There was no mention of single parenting, same-sex relationships, or unmarried couples. This is completely the authors' choice, and may have been done in the interest of not having to write a tome, but just understand that that's why I don't have any coverage of those issues in my review. I imagine some of it translates, but not a lot. I'm sorry for that.

Chapter 6 is entitled, "Men Have Feelings Too." Much of what was said in this chapter was touched on in previous ones. It makes a lot of good points about how men handle grief versus how women usually handle it. It reiterates that women often retreat into depression and are more likely to seek help, whereas men go into "action mode," and try to pretend they're ok. They tend to take control at work or in other areas since they feel so out of control in the area of infertility. Women don't always grasp this method of dealing with pain, and can sometimes feel that the men don't care about what is happening. This note was a nice segue into Chapter 7: Relationships Under Fire.

Again, this chapter seems to expound upon ideas already raised in other areas of the book. A thought of note is that for women, this experience is very physical and immediate. It is physical for men, but in a more detached, non constant way. This is another difference that can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding as to how each gender is handling the trauma. I've often heard female friends mention that they are more immediately involved in the problem of infertility, and that their husbands "get on board" much later. That makes perfect sense when we look at how differently we are involved in and handle the situation from a gender perspective. I know it took DH and I a while to understand the angle from which each was coming, and to respect each other's feelings on the issue.

The authors go on to discuss our coping strategies and the control and power dynamics that can emerge. Sometimes, since we feel so out of control on the reproductive front, we try to gain control in the relationship. To quote the authors, "...the need for control is an attempt to get your needs met by your partner, even at the sacrifice of his or her own needs. That's when the power struggles emerge." I know I've definitely experienced this lovely phenomenon. We're just lucky that we're both fairly laid back and loving, or it could have gotten very ugly. To me, it's almost like when a panicked drowning person unconsciously almost drowns the one trying to save him or her in her desperate need for help.

There is further investigation into why we feel the way we do, and what happens, but what I found even more important is the section on how to communicate about it. The authors note that when your husband withdraws into silence, you can guess what he's communicating, but you're just as likely to be wrong as to be right. The same goes for the partner when a woman subsides into uncontrollable weeping. That's a good note to remember. No saying, "I can't believe you don't know why I'm crying!" I know I've been guilty of that.

The authors suggest that you think about what you feel rather than just feel. Brief time-outs are very handy and can be called mid-fight, and think about how to tell each other the problem rather than show it. If you need to write it down to do it well, then do so. I believe that once you get some of these techniques down, that's when infertility brings you closer as a couple rather than dividing you. I think we've finally gotten better at this part.

Also, remember that in most cases your relationship is good, so do not mistake the trauma of infertility for a traumatic relationship. Don't blame the good part of your life. Remember that all the unfortunate events that are happening are the sad things. Try to see your relationship as a haven from all that. Just as YOU shouldn't be defined by your infertility, neither should your relationship. And remember that if you need to take a break to feel whole - DO it! I know many of us have found that out the hard way.

Move on to Living a New Life with Infertility: Him.Me.Us.

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