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First of all, let me say that I'm beginning to realize that if I had read this book (or at least these sections) earlier in my journey, it would have been an awesome eye opener and so helpful. As it stands now, it is still a great way to cement my thoughts and make me realize that these feelings I have are completely normal. So far, I've been finding nuggets here and there that make me say, "A-HA!" but for the most part, these are realizations that I came to in the grindingly slow, painful way. Too bad I didn't pick up this book earlier. Silly me.
Anyway, chapters 3 and 4 are about the losses of infertility, and the confusion about your adult development if you can't have a child. I'm feeling like mixing things up a bit, so I'm going to try a different format for chapter 3 than usual. Each heading that follows is a subject heading in this chapter.
Loss of Pregnancy and Birth - As they say, this is the most obvious loss, and still one I feel very keenly. I can have a child without experiencing pregnancy and birth, but it's something I always wanted. I have a very, "I want to live life to the fullest" personality, and experiencing these things was always definitely on my list. It's also just such a part of our culture to go through the pregnancy first. People (including me) understand that process better and know better how to help you celebrate.
Where Do I Belong? - It really does feel like you live in limbo. You haven't decided to live without children, or to adopt, but you want to be a parent. It's like standing outside an exclusive night club for hours only to be told you don't fit the bill to get in. What do you do with your time? What about all your friends who go to that club? When they talk about it, you can't really join in. You don't fit in. Quite frankly, this sucks.
The Holiday Spirit. Where Has it Gone? - This one doesn't affect me as much, but Christmas does feel like the ticker tape of yet another year gone by without a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament on the tree. My Mom sent us one of those one year for our pets when we first got them. Now it feels like a slap in the face to hang it. I almost didn't this year, but I didn't want DH to think I was mental. (though I guess now he will. ;-)
I've lost Control of My Body - I don't know that this applies as much to me either since my cycles have always been completely wacky, and I've dealt with horrible fatigue for most of my adult life. I went through that already when the fatigue started. (It's so much better now though! wahoo!)
Loss of Feeling Healthy and Normal - I have a distinct memory of suddenly realizing that your body can let you down. It was even almost a realization of my mortality. It sound silly, but when you find out that the things that are wrong with you really are diseases that have names, it's both a relief and a dash of cold water. The things I have can lead to complications that may eventually be the cause of my death. It's definitely a "wake-up" moment. The book talks more about this subject as, "If I'm going to the doctor so much, I must be sick," but I experienced this one a little differently.
Loss of Feeling Competent - I think this is where the shame comes in initially. Even though it's not true, you feel like you just can't do something, and it must be your fault. I've long ago lost the shame, but I did have an a-ha moment in this section. They discuss that this can filter into your working life and cause problems with your performance and how you view your performance. I have definitely experienced this and didn't know from whence it came. Now I do.
Loss of Sexual Intimacy - We experienced this. It hit the hub harder than it hit me, and we had to work through it. We seem to have found our balance now though.
Loss of Sexual Identity - I've heard this one a lot. "I can't do what a woman is supposed to DO! This is one of the most basic differences between a man and a woman!" And on the flip side, "I'm not manly enough to impregnate my wife. It's embarrassing." An interesting note in the book is that men tend to become more active to prove their virility, while women tend to become depressed. Damn.
Loss of Sexual Privacy - Ugh. Hate this one. Hate IUI's. Hate what DH has to do. 'Nuff said. I also realized here that this may be one of the reasons I get so upset with well meaning family assvice. Sometimes the sweetest, most demure family member will come up with the most shocking suggestions on how to produce the baby you crave. I hate that part of breaking down the barriers. It's an insult to my intelligence, and I really didn't want to know that Grandma, thank you.
Loss of our Sense of Self - This one has hit me hard. I feel almost as if I've been going through a mid-life crisis at 30. I struggle to redefine who I am with this as part of my being. Obviously my life isn't going as planned, and I'm a planner.
Acknowledging the Losses - This helps IMMENSELY. And it truly helps when others understand that they are indeed losses and don't invalidate them. I don't need that from everyone, but it sure is nice from those closest to me. Luckily, most of them have been great even when they don't understand.
Chapter 4 - How Can I Become an Adult if I don't Become a Parent?
This is a biggie. I can certainly see how this becomes a huge problem. For me, the main thing is, not being able to bond with my Mom and others in that way, and the loss of "generativity" as the book says. The authors also point out that it can feel as it felt when you were told, "You're not big enough yet." I know I've had those weak moments when I thought, "God must think we're not ready yet." Normally, I think that's hogwash, but there's a lot of doubt in this whole process.
I think the authors summed up this issue quite well when they wrote that for people who want a child and can't have one, "It's not only an individual and marital crisis--it is a developmental crisis as well."
Move on to: How much is Lost