Get ready for a long one...
Link for the blog ring at bottom.
Chapter 2 is all about how we develop our "reproductive story." According to the authors (and I agree), our reproductive story is shaped by many factors in our environment. Everything from how we were raised, to our friends, our jobs, the media and our religious beliefs helps determine how we will feel about a decision to become or not to become parents.
The book suggests that to fully realize why infertility is so painful, we must look at the plot lines of our own stories. Then we can better isolate the causes of our deepest angst, and take steps to deal with them one by one. To do this, they suggest writing or talking about your dreams of parenthood and how they came about. So instead of talking too much about the book in this post, I will be telling my reproductive story. There are countless factors that figure into what made me who I am, but the things I am focusing on are the most important ones in regards to my want for a child.
My Mother was very young when I was born. Her pregnancy was not planned, but she wanted to take care of her baby. Luckily, I was born into a large, close knit immediate and extended family on both sides. I was raised mostly by and feel closer to my Mother's side.
My Mom's youth hurt her in that there were many things that she felt cheated out of. It also meant that she learned a lot about life as I did. But her youth also allowed me to feel a special kinship with her, and to be able to admire and know her through more stages of her life. Many people mention that they become friends with their parents as they aged. I can say my Mom and I were friends for as long as I can remember. This doesn't mean that I didn't respect her as a parent and disciplinarian. She was simply both. My Grandma, on the other hand, was in her mid-thirties when she had Mom. At that time, in that place, she seemed like an older mother. Mom remembers wondering why there was such a large gap between she and her siblings, and why her friends' moms seemed so young. What's more, both Mom and I are heartbroken that my beloved Grandma (or Gram-maw as I said and spelled it) passed away when I was only 8. She had heart disease like almost every other member of her family. I got to have my Dad's parents for a very long time though, and still cherish a great relationship with my Grandmother.
The maternal side of my family mostly resides in a very poor region where early pregnancy is fairly common. But seeing the struggles my Mom had to endure scared me straight as far as the chances of getting knocked up went. I was very careful about even becoming sexually active, and very careful about avoiding pregnancy when I did. My mother though, always had reproductive issues. RE said that often women with her problems have "oops" babies early, or not at all. I can remember as early as age 13 that I worried about whether I would have similar problems and being terrified that I wouldn't be able to have the one thing I wanted most in the world; my own family.
While I was raised in a very warm, supportive, wonderful family, I had some instability. My parents split up very early on. I only have hazy flashes of what it was like to be part of a traditional family. For much of my life we lived with my Grandma, and/or Aunt and Uncle. It was so cozy in our house, and I always felt so loved and protected. At the same time though, I always had this image of how my children would grow up in a more traditional, stable home. I wanted to give them what I didn't have, even if I didn't even know what it was like to miss it.
I was an only child for 8 years. My family was so close that cousins were like siblings, but I was still a bit lonely. At night in my prayers, I used to ask God to send me a little sister. I also wanted a big brother, but I knew that wasn't likely to happen. Then my Mom met my Stepfather, and wonder of wonders, he had a 7 month old daughter! There was a lot of rough transition as two new people entered my Mom's world and vied for her love in my eyes, but I always felt that God had answered that prayer especially for me by sending E. I still count my blessings every day that I was granted a sister. I truly don't know what I would do without her.
Children are adored by all my relatives. They are treasured and played with and showered with open affection. They are also viewed as future leaders and citizens. There is a lot of emphasis on bringing up responsible children who will be wonderful attributes to their world. On the flip side, I have always also been taught by both sides that our elders are to be respected, cherished and attended to. They generally serve as the heads and counselors of the family until they are no longer able, and then they are completely cared for. I so wish to pass on that tradition.
Thus, you can see why I so want a child and where my many worries come from. I'm worried about being an older Mom. I don't have any experience with it, and I really want to play an important role in the lives of my Grandchildren. I desperately wanted children before 30. I want them to remember the younger, more energetic, carefree me. Another part of that is the ever present worry over IF and the fact that stats show better success before 30. Furthermore, I wanted a family of more than one child spaced 3 or 4 years apart. You don't have to do the math to know that in your 30's time is limited on that plan. I always wanted more because I knew the happiness of a large family, but also knew the loneliness of an only child household. Even now, I sometimes wish for a biological sibling. I love my sister more than anything DNA alone could bring about, but there's just something about sharing your wavy hair, or honking laugh...
Furthermore, I want to pass on our values and ethics. I believe strongly in the possibility of a better world and am optimistic about the potential humans have to make that happen. I would like to raise children who think that can happen as well.
Finally, the story of everyone I know revolves around the growth of family, the raising of children, and caring for elders. There's nothing more important in my family. So you can see where my self-esteem takes a hit when I can't seem to be part of that. I have known and seen such love for children all my life. How could I not have one of my own? Besides that, I have so many rosy pictures of my retired years with grandchildren, and they and my children supporting us as we have supported our loved ones. My whole world revolves around the creation and importance of a nuclear family. Everything else pales in comparison. DH has a similar tradition. Somehow, we will make a way. I just wish it wasn't so hard for someone who is just so ready.
Move on to Living a New Life With Infertility...
Unsung Lullabies: My Reproductive Story
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