EDIT: I think we're now officially posting this chapter. I will change it if needed, but for now, here's this week's installment with link to follow at bottom. :)
That, my friends, is the million dollar question when dealing with fertility treatments. Unsung Lullabies, Chapter 10 is entitled, "Knowing When to Stop Trying." This chapter covers the gamut of issues that crop up when you have started to wonder just when, "enough is enough." The authors note that although the longing for a child can pull you deeper into treatments than you ever thought, you're the one who decided when to start, and you can decide when to stop. I know I moved farther than I thought I would, but we did have a limit to what and how many procedures we would do. Part of that plan was in place from the very beginning due to finances, and part of it evolved as I realized that my body doesn't handle all this lovely "help" very well. That definitely put IVF out of reach for us. Even if a fairy godmother handed it to me, I still wouldn't do it, because I don't even handle an injectible IUI cycle well. I become an emotional and physical mess. It's not the stress of it that does that to me. It's definitely just that the medicines are a very horrible jolt to my system. I also just don't think it would be the magic bullet for us.
Even though we made that decision however, it doesn't mean that it isn't difficult for me not to think "what if." I sometimes wonder if we were just more aggressive, if we wouldn't achieve our dream goal. The book covers all this as well: the feelings of "what if", "how do I put a price tag on a baby," guilt and spiritual considerations.
I have dealt some with the guilt. You think, "Why should I go to all this effort when so many children need good homes in the system?" It doesn't help when many other people seem to feel that way about you as well. I've been lucky in that the spiritual considerations aren't as much of an issue for me. Granted, I've done my share of bargaining with God. "Please God? I'll go to church more and try to be less ambivalent in my beliefs if you'll just grant me a child!" But I've never ever felt that it was wrong to pursue help to have a baby. My feeling, and what the authors note as well, is that if you accept medical intervention for all your other ailments, then there is no reason a loving God would deny you the chance for help to have a baby. And I do sure hope my God is loving. I'm not talking about the concern regarding what do do with already created embryos, selective reduction etc. I'm just talking about help to have a baby, whether it be clomid or IUI. I know so many people say, "Well isn't it playing God to mess with nature that way?" But if you are going to say that, then you are going to say that it's "playing God" to save someone dying from cancer because then, isn't that "God's will" as well? Radiation and Chemotherapy are hardly "natural" solutions to cancer. But people are rarely as conflicted about whether they should "intervene" when the result if they don't is death.
The authors note that the lure of "one more time" is what can make it so difficult to stop. You figure if you just try this one more doctor, treatment or procedure that maybe this will be your lucky break. It's similar to a gambling addiction, except that this time, you're gambling with your reproductive story. The possible "win" is one that many of us can't turn away from. However, it is very important to consider the hit to your finances, your long and short term health (due to side effects etc from the meds), the stress on your relationship and your emotional well-being when deciding that it's time to stop. Like I said before, financial, emotional and physical well being are all tied together for me, and are a large reason why I am feeling really good about having this long (possibly final) break from treatment. We simply cannot afford to do it and feed ourselves. I also can't stand not being ME and not being HAPPY. Adoption is a daunting prospect for us, but for now, (barring a miracle) the one that leaves us with the most peace.
Furthermore, realize that when you stop is most likely the time that you will be able to complete the grieving process. There's no "next cycle" to get your hopes up and delay grief. One patient in the book noted that he was so keen to stay on the treatment path because he wanted to "circumvent the crash" that was sure to follow after they had "given up." But that crash is necessary for healing. Once you can get past that moment, you can focus on your next step, whether it be living childfree, adoption or surrogacy, and feel proactive and happy about it.
Finally, and biggest for me is, "Who Am I Now? Who Will I Be?" You've possibly spent years as an infertility patient, pushing for the common goal of a successful pregnancy. When that focus is gone, what happens to you? You have to change your reproductive story and your sense of who you are just as you had to do when starting treatments. And we all remember what a rocky road that was. I'm always struggling to find out who I am, so this is a toughie for me. Here is where I've used previously suggested techniques in the book and reminded myself of all my strengths and interests. I am good at and love, bird watching, environmental causes, knitting, music, writing, reading and just being with friends. I've definitely started focusing more on all those things to help me find a firm base. Now I've been adding pieces of the puzzle that is adoption into my whole. As each piece starts to click into place, I feel more and more ready for that path to motherhood. When it's complete, I'll know, and we can begin a great new adventure.