Life... in a nutshell

Has anyone else who's experienced a loss kept their positive hpt? I know it seems gross, but mine is still tucked in a little box beneath the bathroom sink. I also have photos of it and the digi that I used. I'm wondering if I need to be able to let go of that to know that I've moved on.

As usual, it's the good with the bad. I've been trying to remain positive, and mostly I am, but lately anxiety has crept insidiously back into my life. As more and more people I know become pregnant, I can't help thinking, "how much longer will I have to wait?" On top of that, others are experiencing difficult pregnancies, births and losses, and I can't help thinking, "if the wait ever ends, what pain lies ahead?" Sometimes I just feel like I will always suffer from a bit of a broken heart. But if I've learned else nothing by my 30th year, I've learned that this is life. Happiness and despair, comfort and pain; life is a complex mix of all. I feel almost like an alien when around friends who haven't yet been jolted out of the warm cushiness of their fantasies about life. Sure everyone has pain and struggle, but in my case at least, it took a lot more than just the usual struggles to open my eyes completely. Ever since my grandma died in our living room when I was 8, (actually even when I became aware of how sick she was), I have been far too keenly aware of how fleeting life is. But I had been able to hold on to my fuzzy illusions about it. Now I can't, and I find myself creating a new world for myself complete with altered perceptions. So don't be disturbed if you see me yo-yoing in my emotions or thoughts. I'm just trying to find my balance.

I started this partly to explain my feelings on pregnancy and my diminished presence on pregnancy blogs. I do read them - faithfully. I cry and laugh and rejoice with them. However, I often find I comment far less than I did before the pregnancy. Please don't feel that I don't care. I really really do. It's just that it's an uncharted world for me - one that I desperately wish I knew. So when the talk turns to symptoms, frustrations and baby talk, I don't always feel I can contribute well. I don't really know what to say. And there are definitely days when I can't even read at all. But please know that I still enjoy your blogs and wish you the most wonderful experience possible.

Lots of love!
FCiF

Note: If you know where I got my post title, please leave it in the comments!

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