Managing Grief - Unsung Lullabies Ch. 8

Now we're getting into the sections of Unsung Lullabies that are really important to me. The first part of this chapter discusses the grieving process and its stages as it applies to infertility. So many people don't understand that one does suffer and go through the stages of grief during this crazy roller coaster journey. I have heard it before, but it was worth reading again that the trauma you suffer is similar in feel to the loss of a loved one. Furthermore, when you suffer the loss of an actual pregnancy, you are grieving the loss of a loved one plus the loss of the chance to show him or her that love.

The problem with infertility is that there is no clear ending point until you decide there will be one. (Or until you have a child. Look at my optimism. :-/ ) Thus, the stages of grief come and go and come and go. Grieving never is a perfect linear process, but with infertility you often have renewed hope that interferes with your ability to fully grieve each loss. I experienced a delayed grief reaction after my chemical pregnancy. I cried when it happened and was depressed. However, another medicated cycle was scheduled right away, and I pushed my sadness off in the hope of a new chance. When that cycle failed, all the rage at having such promising hope snatched away from me resurfaced. I was angry. No - I was furious. And I had to work through that, along with many other fluctuations before I could feel anything close to normal again. It's also worth mentioning that grieving in a healthy way is supremely difficult when under the influence of such incredibly mood altering drugs. I never want to feel that helplessly out of control of my body again. This shit is hard enough without experiencing menopause, PMS and clinical depression in one shot. (At least, that's how it felt to me.)

The authors also mention that it can be confusing to grieve what they call, "the little deaths," or failed cycles. I was happy they addressed this because it helped me understand my conflicting emotions. I felt almost ashamed for being so destroyed after each failed cycle. It was almost like I felt that people were secretly labeling me "crazy," and "obsessed" because of it. I mean, after all, it's not like she really LOST a baby. And I'm sure some people did think those things, but now I understand it more and simply don't care if they do.

A suggestion from the book is to plan rituals for each "little death." I don't know that I've done this. Maybe journaling or blogging is my ritual. But I thought it was a great idea.

Finally - the end of the chapter addresses getting "unstuck." It contained some helpful thoughts that I wanted to share with all of you.

1. It is essential to communicate. Talk to those closest to you for support. Verbalizing your pain supports understanding, acceptance and healing. It's the strongest medicine for me.

2. Decide ahead of time how you would like to respond to painful questions. It can be a simple, "That is a private matter," or something more witty. Even if you don't use it, it can be helpful (and fun) to imagine what you want to say in your head when someone asks. My favorite example from the book: [when asked if she was considering adoption] "I'd seriously think about it if I looked like you!"

3. Be true to yourself. Don't try to mold your feelings to someone else's expectations. You don't have to feel grateful when they say, "you can always try again!" (I was glad to hear this because I so often just want someone to understand or listen and not to tell me how it will all be better.)

4. And most important to me: Treat each other with the utmost kindness (if you have a partner).

I told you we were getting into meaty stuff now. More on how to deal with the world next week.

On to the next Blogger! Little Deaths and Big Ones Too

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