Warning: The following is a deeply personal (my own fears) and depressing post.
We just visited my Grandmother this weekend. It's hard to see her so sad and tired. She's in her eighties but generally has the energy and charisma of someone much younger. Being without Grandfather though.... that seems to sap her strength. What's especially hard is it seems like I can't do much to lift her spirits anymore. I know we're important to her, and that she loves us, but that's not enough to help lift the cloud she's in.
I walked around her house touching photos of Grandfather alone, or of them together. It's so hard for me. I can't begin to imagine how wrenching it is for her. It makes my thoughts go to horrible places. I'm too empathetic by far for my own good. I think of all their happy times, and their young love for each other and how they probably pushed the thought of what's happened now to the backs of their minds and enjoyed their lives as we do, as we all have to do to be happy. And then I think of how she probably longs for that feeling again; the feeling that it's all ahead of you, and your partner is right there to help you through it. It's difficult not to let those thoughts take you to dark, depressing places about your own life or life in general. It's enough to make my heart thud against my ribs and my breath come a little faster. When that happens, I grab the Hub like a lifeline.
I hope she knows that I get it. I may not understand the depth or complexity of her feelings, but I do get it. I want her to know that I love her so much, and that I'm there for her if ever she needs anything. I just don't quite know how to convey the depth of that dedication.
*I wanted you to know that we did enjoy each other's company. It wasn't all gloom and doom. We attended church with Grandmother. We then had a scrum-dilly-umptious lunch at Carraba's, followed by a nice chat. On the way home, we stopped at a park on the water and saw lots of cool birds. Even on the drive, we saw all kinds of hawks, a caracara, shrikes and meadowlarks. I loved that.
Loss
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