Unsung Lullabies: The End

OK, somehow I got all mixed up and didn't post about Chapter 11, and now we're on Chapter 12 (the last one). So I'll just put in a blurb about the first and finish the second.

Chapter 11 discusses strategies on making the right decisions about what's next for you as a couple, and on coping with those decisions and any complications that may arise. I actually found it helpful as it goes through each possible outcome and talks about what each entails. I like that about this book. It's not just touchy-feely. It's also practical. One of my favorite quotes in Chapter 11 was this one, "Do keep in mind that everyone and their uncle will opine about what you should do next.... The classic line is: Just adopt, then you'll get pregnant. But the truth is that most who do adopt don't get pregnant, right away or ever." So IN YOUR FACE people who say that. ;-)

Chapter 12 is entitled: Parenting After Infertility: Singing your Lullabies at Last. It's hard for me to really get into the meat of this chapter since parenthood still seems like a fuzzy, unattainable dream for me. But it was helpful to think about what may happen someday. I will certainly re-read this for when we do become parents.

For this chapter, I want to just pinpoint a few highlights that I found helpful or interesting.

Having a baby after infertility can help heal you. However, it's perfectly normal to experience anxiety, depression and many mixed emotions after the baby is born. You should NOT feel guilty about that.
During a high-risk pregnancy, people often go into coping mode, just as they do with infertility. But remember that you will often experience your shock or grief after the danger has passed. So you may have even more to work through after the birth of your child.
Try to lower those really high expectations you have for being the perfect parent, or having a fantasy life with your baby. I imagine we will all feel a little guilty for the emotional upheaval we would probably experience after becoming a parent since we feel we should "appreciate" our children more due to our struggles. We also may try to be more "perfect" at parenting since we feel we've "failed" so badly at the conception part. Try not to fall into that trap.
Many men and women resist getting help for postpartum depression; especially after infertility. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Please look for the warning signs in books or on the internet so you are aware of when it's time to get help. This book itself has a list.
The book also notes that we often store up our grief until the crisis has passed and that, "Only after you have a child can you comprehend and grieve the ordeal you've been through." It notes that you should refer back to Chapter 8 for help with dealing with these emotions.
Your roles in life will change dramatically after a child. Be aware that the partner who did not experience the IF first hand may be playing the "supporting role," and be waiting to "get you back" after the IF is over. They may be waiting for things to return to "normal." But after a baby, your focus will change again to be more on the child. Thus, your partner may feel frustrated and think that he or she doesn't matter anymore.
On the good side, you may finally feel like you are a "member of the club," and that people take you seriously again. Your relationship with relatives who are parents may finally flourish in that way.
"What if you want another baby?" Oh boy, that's a doozy because you know it's just going to start all.over.again.
This chapter also discusses unused embryos and what you might want to tell your child. Personally, I'm afraid I would make my child completely paranoid about being infertile. Hubs will have to watch me with that one, especially since as your child grows, you will continue to work through the trauma you experienced.
And finally, I love the last note. The authors say, "Infertility is something never chosen, but it makes us take stock of our lives in profound and unexpected ways." A-MEN

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