Completely Random Thoughts

And nooooow the humidity sets in. I guess Summer is here to stay. Oh well. At least here I'm only truly miserable with the weather for about 3 months of the year. That's cool.

I really, truly do want to write that post about dealing with adoption vs. ARTs and all that, but I just can't get into it right now. I think I'm a bit depressed about it to tell the truth. I will probably get to it within the next few days though.

Malloryn has honored me with a very sweet little blurb. I will get to that at some point as well. I've learned not to push these things because it ends up so much better if I write what I'm feeling at any given time.

Something I was thinking about today... I've always wondered why I can handle seeing tons of pregnant woman and children every day and not be too bothered by it, but when it's someone I have to see regularly, or who I care about, it's sometimes a knife twist in the gut. I don't even cringe too much when passing the infant section of a department store anymore. But I had an "A-HA!" today. It seems simple. You'd think I would have come to it earlier. I really think that I have pulled back from anything baby related. I used to coo and aaaaw over teeny tiny shoes in stores, or show Hub the latest toddler toy in excitement, but anymore I almost feel like it doesn't interest me. I also am far less interested in talking about the mechanics of pregnancy than I used to be even though I still find it miraculous. To protect myself, and because I can't relate right now, I've put up a wall of disinterest between me and the whole baby world. I see a pregnant stranger on a walk with her toddler, and I may feel a pinch of jealousy, but it's fleeting, and my eyes almost skip over the protruding belly without seeing it. However, when it's a loved one or someone I have to face every single day, I can't put up that wall. I care far too much. Therefore, although I'm showing them my love and opening myself up to loving their child, it also opens up the old wounds of bitterness, envy and regret. To love them properly, I have to be willing to accept that. I'm not saying I love them perfectly or in the way they deserve since I'm carrying all this baggage, but I do try to be "normal." Even though there are moments where a photo or a word will make me suck in my breath, it's all worth it to be a part of their lives. I just wish I could join in the fun.

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