All righty. I guess I'll have to heave a big sigh and finally delve into this subject. I really want to just to get it off my chest, but it's a lot to think about and organize in my head.
Ovulating on my own has started to really confuse me. It gave me hope for my own body again even though I know that hope is somewhat misguided. It made me realize how very very much I want to have a pregnancy. It even made me question for a moment whether I wouldn't reconsider IVF. (I'm not by the way)
At the same time, I've started to grasp the complications and heartache that come along with adoption as well. I know you can't know until you do it, but there are just so many things of which I am terrified. We would be going through state adoption, and I know that we will probably not be chosen for quite a few children before we finally adopt. How long with that take? And how heartbreaking with that be? I just don't know if I can go through even more rejection after my own body has abandoned me. To me, it's even worse with adoption, because it's going to feel like now people are determining that I'm not fit to be a mother to someone.
The homestudy is another arm of this fear. I know it may seem odd since I have this blog and all, but my home and private life are very important to me. Sometimes I don't even like people just to drop by, I'm that private. How am I going to handle someone invading my personal space, judging the way we live (which I'm very touchy about since we don't have the money to fix up the house the way we want), and asking me such private questions? Then, even after we would get a placement, we have to endure it for quite a while more as they "check-in" with our family. I completely understand that this is the best thing for the child, but even just thinking about it makes me feel raw and vulnerable.
And finally, with State adoption, I know that the vast majority of those children were not given up willingly, and that most of them will be older. I just strongly feel that with the fact that we both have to work full time and more, we don't have the time we need to bond with a child who has already known another life. I also feel that we aren't equipped to deal with an older child from the get-go. If we had already raised a child through those stages, I might think so. But having had no experience as parents, we are apprehensive about jumping right in like that.
All these thoughts have only again reinforced how badly I want to have a pregnancy. When I was younger and more shallow, I used to think that people shouldn't place such a high premium on having a biological child. "Love is love!" I would think. "Why should it matter?" But it does. I know that the bond would still be there. My sister is actually my step-sister, and I can't believe that I love her any less than I would were we related by blood. And my nephew... well, if she couldn't raise him for some reason, I could already take him in as my own, that's how dearly and closely I love him. And it really doesn't matter. However, I still have thought at times that I would like to know what it's like to have a biological sibling. It took a lot of guilt before I understood that that doesn't make me love my sister any less. It just means I have a lot of wistful questions as to how it would be. I will always regret a little that I never knew what that was like.
Take those feelings and translate them into having a child, and they become a bigger issue for me. The closer I come to losing all hope at getting pregnant, the more I hold on to the dreams I had. I want to carry my husband's child. I want to be tied together by that amazing experience. I want to see his eyes light up and hear his infectious laugh when he first sees the baby moving inside me. I want to deliberate on whether it will have Grandma's nose or Daddy's hands. I want to be together in the delivery room as we experience what I consider one of the greatest miracles and cry as we touch his or her little fingers. I want to look at this little life that we created together, out of our love and know that someday he or she will create little lives of his or her own. We're both from completely different cultures. I want to see them blend and merge into this little child - a tie that binds it all together. And I know that Hub wants many of the same things.
I've avoided saying many of these things because at one time, I would have considered them very selfish. But I think I've matured enough through all this to understand that it is what it is. It's healthy and natural to have some of these thoughts. I need to work through them a little better before I can feel like I would be the best Mom I could be to an adopted child. I know I would love that child unconditionally. But I don't want all these wistful regrets hanging so thickly in the air around him or her. The main thing is, when I have my child, I want them to have the best chances possible at a wonderful life. So for me to feel comfortable, I need to be in a really good place about adoption before we go through with it.
So here is what we've come up with:
We wait a few cycles to see how my body is working for sure.
Then we do one more medicated IUI - possibly with another clinic where the doctor actually pays more individualized attention to their patients' whole health. I need this last try since my 3rd IUI was a complete no-go.
If this does not result in a pregnancy (and possibly even if it does, but later on) we will begin the State sponsored adoption classes.
If the State system really seems too hard for us, we consider asking some family members who have expressed the desire to help for a partial loan to help us with the costs of private domestic adoption. We will hopefully be able to pay them back with tax rebates and a lot of hard work.
It feels good to have some plan. I hope this one works out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion though that we will be heading for the last 2 options rather quickly. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism by posting this, but I had to put it out there - somewhere. I had to ease my own mind.