A LOT of Soul Searching

That's what has been going on in our house and in my head recently; more soul searching than I generally care to do. Things have not been "right" with me the past few weeks, so I set about trying to tackle the problem. I know, I know, I'm often less "right" than others (that's what DH loves about me - that off kilter feeling I bring to our home), but that's not what I mean. Stay with me here.

So I spent a few weeks stomping around, being pissy with others for small slights and feeling very unfulfilled and unhappy with myself before I decided to do something about it. This weekend I did a lot of talking with the Hub and spent a lot of time in my own company just thinking. I came up with a few things that may be causing this malcontent.

1. I am not over the loss of a close friend's support.
She was going through a rough patch just as I was going through my lap and some heavy duty treatments. Apparently those things don't mix for us. She's who she is, and I'm who I am. I couldn't take the "half friendship" stuff anymore. It was just too painful at a time when I had little strength for anything other than what I was dealing with at that point. But I mourned the loss of our relationship for months. I think I still feel a little lost without a friend of "my own" if you get what I mean. She was my sister in everything but name. I find myself trusting people less and feeling a little more alone. I need to complete closure on this.

2. I am not "over" the loss of my Grandfather
I am at the point now where I imagine some people think, "He was old, what did you expect?" or "She should surely stop talking about it now and move on." However, he has been gone less than a year. He was an integral part of my life. He was one of the only really steady male role models I had. I admire his life greatly and cherished his love and affection. I not only continue to grieve for myself, but for the whole family - particularly my Grandmother. Furthermore, the grief isn't the only issue. His passing started a chain reaction of thoughts in me that I can't seem to stem. As I've said before, it has made me contemplate life in general, what will happen to me and Ron, and how do I deal with the losses as they continue to come, as I continue to age. It's also even thrown my confusion about my religion into more chaos. I know you can't live like that. I know it. I know you need to live in the moment. It's something I did very successfully for years. However, even though I still live in the moment, I almost do it with a desperation... a desperation borne of this very stark understanding of life's truths. So number 2? Yeah, it's a biggie, and I need to work on it more.

3. The economy and our finances are a HUGE stress.
I dream at least twice a week that we lose our house and have to move into something awful. A big part of that is that even if we sold our house, we'd still be in tens of thousands of dollars of debt because of the poor housing market and the loss in value. We probably won't lose our house, but man is it hard to live as frugally and work as hard as we have been and not see much come of it.

4. I am unfulfilled and unhappy at work.
I have lost so much confidence in my leaders, and there's nowhere to turn. I still like what I do, and somewhat like the company, but I feel so stifled and mismanaged. The worst part is that others in the company seem to know that this is a problem, but are just waiting it out. It's easy for them to wait it out when they aren't on the bottom; recipients of all the sh*t that keeps rolling down that giant hill.

5. Finally - I am not as "at peace" with my reproductive status as I thought I was.
I am still very angry that even though my body is starting to respond, there is a very high chance I will never carry a child. That fact fills me with such an aching emptiness that I don't even know what to do with it. Furthermore, the more I learn about adoption, the more I understand that it comes with its own set of rejections, failed hopes and struggles. I just don't know if I can take starting that all over again with a new process. I think I might be a little more optimistic if we had the money to pursue private adoption since we could look all over the country, and would be working with mothers ready to give up their children, but we don't. It's as simple as that.

The Hub and I have already started talking about what all these problems look like and how we are going to address them. I fear that I will be very wordy in the coming days as I come to terms with all this and feel the need to purge myself all over the web as usual. Stay tuned.

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