During a recent conversation with friends, Hub said something that has resonated within me since. We were discussing IF and the choices made because of it. I mentioned how I had tried to find out what was wrong with me long before we started actively trying to conceive, but that the doctor had said, "We'll deal with that when you're ready to get pregnant."
Hub said, "If we had known about the PCOS and difficulties we would have, I would have wanted to start earlier than we did." You'd think that may make me feel sad or introspective, but in some weird way it made me feel good. I think it's because it's firm proof that he is as affected by this as I am, and that he definitely wants to be a father. We started later partly because Hub was desperate to wait until he was 30 before starting. I was ready much before he was. I think he thought it would happen fairly quickly. It's just nice to be in the same boat together now.
Now we're in this weird holding pattern. It would be foolish of us to spend the money on another IUI right now, and I'm not so sure I want to leave the comfortable me I've just rediscovered. Besides, if we do have a baby, this economy and our financial situation are not the best. It just sucks that we get older as it goes on. It's like both of us hope that if we look the other way, maybe my body will miraculously start working and I'll have a successful pregnancy. Then we can say, "It was God's will! We'll make it work somehow!" Hey, it happens to other people right? People who had been told it would never happen? Why can't that be us? We bristle when others tell us about these "miracle stories" in the implication that it will happen for us if we're just patient. So why do we want so badly to believe it ourselves?