I was a complete "oops" baby as they were referred to in those days. So the big brother I always thought would be cool to have? Not for me. And then after me there was turmoil and strife and no more babies. I used to plead with my Mom for a little sister. I obviously didn't understand quite how that happened. I also used to pray at night for a little sister to call my own.
Then my Mom met my Stepfather. He had an 8 month old baby girl. I didn't see her for the answer to my prayers that she was. I hefted her around as best a 7 year old could and treated her like she was a cute kid that I was helping to babysit. Then Mom and Stepfather got more serious. I got jealous. There were lots of battles of wills between all concerned. When someone called that fun, chubby kid who got into my stuff my "sister," I would always make sure they knew exactly how we had become a family. Again - I was young and stupid and didn't see that my prayer had been answered. I liked her, don't get me wrong. She was cute and sweet, but there was so much stuff going on that it got in the way of my clear thinking.
As the years wore on, and I got wiser, I started to understand just what an amazing gift I had been given. We fought like crazy, yes. You'd think with a 7 year age difference that I would be above that, but no dice. She screamed at me so I sat on her. She eavesdropped. I tattled. But through that trial by fire, we became true sisters. In my heart, there is no one else who could fill that space as she does.
And yet again, she has proven what a considerate, wonderful sister she is. I know I blabber about my family (maybe brag is the right word) a lot, but it's because they really do deserve accolades. They have been almost to a man (and yes I mean man) so understanding and helpful through this struggle. I would probably lose it completely without them. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful family and such a wonderful husband. I feel guilty sometimes even expecting to get what I want family wise because I've already been given so much. It's part of why I'm paranoid about Hub's safety.
There I go again, losing my train of thought. All this lead-up is just to say that Sis is pregnant again. She sent me an e-mail to tell me. You may think that sounds inconsiderate, but it's not. It's how I like to find out so I can control my reaction. Even though I'm happy for people, I never know if I'm going to be able to express it properly or not, and that makes me feel badly. She also was so sweet in the way she wrote it. Actually, when I read the first line, my heart started to pound because the way it was written I thought that I had done something and she was trying to tell me that she was done with me! haha.
I hate to think that people have to grovel to me when they tell me about their pregnancies, but in some crappy way, that's what I seem to expect. I need that understanding that they understand and appreciate my struggle. She expressed herself so eloquently and with such feeling that how could I ever doubt that she understands and cares?
It does hurt, but I think not in the way she expects. I wrote back to her and expressed my gratitude and congratulations. I told her how much I love her, and how I just wish we could share some of what it is to be pregnant, to be a mother. I also wrote about how much I wish we could have children near the same age who could be cousins. I want them to run and play together just like I did with my cousins. I wrote that and I began to sob. I could feel it burning in my chest long before that, but as I got to that last bit, that's what did it. Just as Unsung Lullabies said, it's the death of my reproductive story. The one I had written for myself is already long gone even if we do have children. My Grandfather won't know them. My beloved Aunt won't know them. More family members who should have been able to meet my children age as I sit childless. I don't even get to experience pregnancy with my Sister.
Luckily though, I've been grieving about this for well over 2 years. The sobbing is intense and brief. Then I get about life's business. I'm getting good at it. I'm also very lucky in that once I can focus on the new human in our midst, love overtakes jealousy and grief. Someday, maybe I can let go of this dream of pregnancy and of the fear of adoption, and we will have our child. But I really don't think the ache will ever truly disappear.