I have not been having the greatest time emotionally lately. I have insecurity issues at the best of times, but add that with some of the latest barrels of laughs, and it becomes a glaring problem.
Generally, as my cycles lengthen (CD 34 now) without any ovulation or period, I start sleeping more fitfully. My theory is that I need the cycle of progesterone in my body for some semblance of normalcy. During my luteal phases and when on provera, I usually sleep very well. I also start to notice more unexplained mood shifts, anxiety and depression as the cycle slogs on. As I continue to lose out on sleep, those problems only intensify. I'm beginning one of those awful phases now. It's always a guessing game to see how long I should wait before taking the provera that will end the angst. This time I guess I will have to call Endo to see if it matters that I'm taking glucophage at the same time. I can't imagine it does.
Now we pile on the things that make it worse. We recently had an anonymous peer review at work (you remember.. that place I've been whining about?). I generally like to know how I'm performing, but this was more about personality and social skills. Still - I thought I would like to know. The thing I didn't count on was that I would have more surprises than I imagined. I had surprises that seriously made me reconsider who I thought I was compared to what I must portray. I also wondered if I had been completely wrong about relationships I thought were very stable. It's been very unsettling for me. And I'm learning that when my physical self is unsettled and completely out of my control, I need some semblance of stability for my emotional self lest I lose it all.
I will probably try to address some of the issues I saw in my evaluations, but at the same time, I am so weary. I am so afraid of becoming "that person." I'm so afraid of becoming the person that is not self aware and who doesn't seek to better herself. I strive all the time to work on my flaws and further my learning about who I am and about the world around me. I'm not sure if I'm always successful (especially after this eval), but it is difficult for someone with the security and depression issues that I have. But I do try. Tonight though, I half sobbed to Hub, "Is it ok if I just decide to give in and be ME? Can I just accept that I have these flaws, try to work around them and accept myself as I am? Then if someone doesn't like me, that's fine right? That's just how it is."
Hub's answer - "Yes honey, that's absolutely fine. It's what I always do. It will save you a lot of worry. You can't please everyone." (I'm paraphrasing)
I liked that answer. I'm really tired. I'm tired in so many ways. I'm tired of struggling at work, with finances, with myself, with my reproductive system, with my whole body. I'm tired of trying to mold myself to fit all people and all situations. I'm actually tired of trying to better myself. Sometimes I want to just BE. I'm tired of living this weird half-life. Half of me is still tied up in motherhood - in the need to mother. I want to be whole. I want a simpler life.
I'm going to try to get there. I'm done with that phase of my life. The "bettering myself" phase has lasted about 14 years. I think I'm done. I will still better myself, but mainly to please me. I will better myself to more reflect the moral, happy, learned person that I want to be, not that I'm told or that I imagine others want. And to start that, I need to back down. I've spoken of the need for that before... of the need to be quieter, more observant, less vocal until I can get a handle on me. I wanted to be strong, open and confident. I don't anymore. Now I want to be quiet, reflective and confident. The other isn't working so well anyway. Don't worry. If I'm absolutely confident in your presence and in your love for me, a lot of the openness will come back quickly once I sort some stuff out. If not, and you'd like it to, then the ball's in your court. I'm totally OK with a quieter relationship and more armor for my feelings. Although Hub says I should try to just "not care," I imagine that will take a while.
Thanks to all for your help along the way to finding out who I am and what I need.