It just keeps comin' round....

I'm staring down the barrel of another (just one more of so many I can't remember) round of Provera. I'll probably give it another week, just to give my body the chance, but my gyn doesn't like to let it go for more than 2 months without me bleeding, and I happen to agree with him. I'm definitely not feeling so great about this.

It's a crushing blow for me to go from ovulating on my own 2 cycles in a row on Metformin and even doing better each time, to going a cycle with no ovulation at all. I had hoped it would get even a little better before we'd have to go back to ARTs. I'm an achiever. It's just what I do. When I want something to happen in my life, I make it happen. Sadly, conceiving and giving birth to a baby just doesn't work that way no matter how many Hannah happy faces tell you it does. So no matter how deeply I know the truth that I have very little control in this situation, I still feel the dull thud of failure. I feel like I have failed - failed so many times I can't even count them anymore.

Part of the reason I'm more down about this than usual is that there has been another string of pregnancy announcements and births lately. Sometimes I'm prepared, and it's ok. Then sometimes someone I never suspected surprises me. It's always the surprise that kills ya. I always tell people I rarely cry in front of others except in cases where cruelty or great disappointment come as a shock. It's similar with the depression about this. I have lots of checks and balances in place, but they still need to be methodically implented. If I don't have time to throw up the defenses, things slip through the armor with much more sharpness.

I'm also so tired from being sick and run ragged the last week. How did Grandma say it? "Run hard and put up wet." Yup. That's it. I don't often have that pleased, satisfied tiredness anymore. Tiredness is often just another way for the sadness to slip in.

I don't want you to think I'm not a happy person. Overall, I am happy and so very grateful for the incredible blessings I've been given. I feel more human and fulfilled lately than I've felt since just before we started this horrible babymaking adventure. I can even see where I've learned some wonderful and valuable things through all of it. But I feel my "free time" coming to a close. We're going to have to make a decision about treatments again soon. I need to try very hard to conceive and carry a child. We can adopt, but there are many things blocking that for this moment. Treatment scares me though, because while I like my RE, the way they run the clinic there leaves me with a lack of confidence. What kind of RE only sees his patient for surgery, an insemination, retrieval or transfer? What's with the calling an automated hotline to get your protocol information?

And it's not just that. Will I go through the roller coaster I did before? Will it even work at all? Can we afford to do even one more cycle with IUI? Are we coming to the end?

Sorry for the downer. Have you ever felt you just needed to call a girlfriend and cry on her shoulder about this stuff? But then when you think about who to call, you come up empty? Sure, there may be plenty of amazing, kind hearted people who would be happy to lend their shoulder, but after so many years it's just so difficult to even convey. Not only that, but do you really want to be a downer to yet another friend yet another time? That's my thought stream. So I don't call. I blog. This blog is my girlfriend's shoulder. Jen sent me an interview... a wonderful, fun, light hearted interview that I can't wait to do. One of the questions asks a bit about my anonymity and this blog, and part of that answer is within this post. Without some anonymity, for me, this blog would take a space right next to all the regular friends I'd rather not bother, and it would never see these conflicted swirlings.

Share On :

Pin It