Today and last night have been miserable. E has been restless and cranky since last night's bedtime. Neither of us has gotten much sleep. He's constantly hungry. I gave him formula out of sheer exhaustion and nipple pain this morning, and he was a happy baby for about 40 minutes. I don't know if he is in a constant growth spurt (thought we were coming out of it) or if I've never caught up from nursing delays at the hospital or from the time I spent in the ER when he got formula all night. And you know what? I'm too frustrated to care anymore. I'm tired of reading how evil formula is. I'm tired of feeling guilty. I don't have a month or so to get adjusted. I go back to work in 2 weeks and don't even have enough pumped milk frozen for a whole day. I am alone every day and don't have people usually to do my laundry or help me eat. I'm done. My baby is miserable and crying most of the day. I'm exhausted and grumpy. We're going to supplement with formula sometimes to see him relaxed and to give me time to pump more for daycare.
I'm sorry. There are some wonderful things about breastfeeding, and I'm glad to help my baby be healthy, but there are lots of sides to every situation, and I'd like to read less of people invalidating and railroading those who are struggling. I wish I had heard more about the difficulties in class or from other sources so I wouldn't feel so disillusioned. That's why I want to be very honest here. I'm tired of hearing wildly differing advice from my Doctors, books and consultants. From here on out, I do what feels right for us and E. That will probably be a combo of formula, pumping and bfing. And I don't think my baby will suffer horribly from it. In fact, when we have done this, I've seen more smiles from E, watched him explore the world more, and we've both been less stressed. I have no idea why stress is never mentioned as a factor in the no formula argument. It's not cyanide. Why do we have to swing so wildly to each end? Tired.