Now all of this is really starting to fuzz up in my brain and the fun parts of motherhood are starting to really make it harder to write a post about what was so difficult in the beginning. However, I really want to remember this so that I continue to have empathy for others and so that I have a record of what actually happened, so I'm going to try. Since I'm not feeling it, it's certainly not going to be my best post ever, but oh well.
Right after E was born is a blur. There were a lot of people in and out. There was a lot of noise. There was a lot of what I felt was unnecessary waking of the Mommy. There was also a lot of blubbering by both of us every time we looked at what we thought was the most beautiful face either of us had ever been granted the privilege of seeing. Good Lord, how to explain the coursing surges of emotion after a baby? How to explain the frightening intensity of the need to love, nurture and protect this sweet little life? It just can't be done. Everyone tells you you just can't know. And you can't. No way. There's no way you can really be prepared for how much you'll love your child. Oh. My. God. I think it was that very intensity that was somewhat my undoing.
We didn't get back to the room (and back to E) that night until around midnight when I learned how to feed him, and we went to bed. Sometime in the wee hours, I remember waking up to try to comfort a crying E (Hub was conked) and falling asleep with him in my arms. God bless the nurse who came in and offered to take him to the nursery. I was so tired I had nearly dropped him.
At around 6am, I awoke, feeling as if I was being watched. I opened my eyes and there above me loomed a stocky man. He stood still as I tried to gather my wits. Finally, in the hazy darkness the shape became familiar. It was FavoriteOB! I blurted his name and sat up for a hug. "Hi sweetheart!" he said. "You had a rough time of it! How are we feeling? How's everything down there?" I jibbered something about being proud of myself and that I had no idea what was going on down there because I was afraid to look. It had felt like everything came out with the baby. He took a quick look and told me he would be prescribing a bunch of soothing and pain relief things for me and, "Don't be afraid or too proud to take them young lady!" Then he shook Hub's hand and told him, "Congrats Buddy!" He said, "Where's our angel?" (He called E "our angel" from the minute of conception.) I told him and he said, "That's where I'm headed next!" He was on his way to the office and had stopped by the hospital (OFF DUTY) specifically to see me and the baby. And people wonder why I am so devoted to this man. If we move, I am kidnapping him and taking him with me. When I saw him later, he would exclaim that E was "Beautiful! Obviously so smart! Look at how alert he is!" and that (in a conspiratorial whisper), "I feel that Eurasian people are some of the most beautiful people in the world. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!" haha. Things that sound like they might be offensive never are coming from him.
My joyful meeting was soon to be replaced with my most hated nurse of my visit. Her name was Veeta. I say her name simply because she was so awful to me that she's the one human I don't feel the need to protect in the slightest on this blog. E was having trouble staying latched. I asked for a lactation consultant around 7am. I was panicking a little since we had such a lag time for his first nursing and he went to the nursery in the evening. She said, "You don't need a lactation consultant. It's not important until after 24 hours when your milk comes in." She apparently didn't care about colostrum or crying, hungry babies. She told me other mothers were "more important" than I was since I was still so new. She said, "Go to the nursing class being offered at 8:30." I told her I was very sore and stiff and didn't feel I could go. Besides, I had TAKEN the class beforehand. I needed physical instruction with my baby. She said, "Well you aren't intending on staying in that bed ALL DAY are you? You can't just lie there! You need to get up and move around!" This is at 7am. After a 26 hour labor. After getting into my room at midnight. To a hormonal, painful, emotional woman. She left, and I cried.
Then E had his circumcision. Many things went into our decision to do it, but it was not an easy decision in the slightest. When he came back, we cried. She caught me and asked if I was sick. Then she said that if I was crying about the LC, she did put me on the list after all. I told her to leave me alone.
They told me E would sleep for about 8 hours after the procedure and that it would be ok if I couldn't awaken him to eat. She came in and badgered me every half hour or so and said that he HAD to eat and I HAD to wake him. I just wasn't trying hard enough. I cried again until the pediatrics nurse reassured me. I was secretly sure I wasn't doing a good job as a Mommy. Veeta made sure to help that feeling along.
There were other hateful things she did and said, but she didn't last long thank God. The lactation consultants were absolute angels. The other nurses all did their very best, and the doctors were lovely. I, however, was in a lot of pain (torn backwards and up into my urethra, plus my muscles all felt as if I had been in a wrestling match with a giant), very anxious and wanted to go home and have loved ones around me so badly. We had two visitors afterward, but Mom wasn't coming until later due to snow (and yes, there was sleet and freezing here when E was born), and we really didn't have any other contact besides the two visitors until then. It was hard for this needy girl.
Since big city hospital was so busy, though we had been promised a discharge in the AM, we weren't actually discharged until 11:30pm. I got so excited I started running around, getting things together. They took my blood pressure (which HAD been fine) one last time before I left, and it was 145/95. Uh oh. "Calm down." they said. "Lie still for a while." The nurses gave each other a look that said, "We may have to readmit her." I gave them a look that said, "Over my dead body."
After a lot of calming breaths and complete stillness, it came down to a level acceptable enough that they could discharge me, though it was still elevated. Though my blood pressure is usually on the low end, it had been running high when I was exhausted in later pregnancy.
We came home. E screamed about the changes. I had difficulty getting to sleep. He snuggled on my shoulder finally. E was also jaundiced, so we had an appointment to see his Ped (the evil one) at 8:30 am. During the next week, he had two more blood draws to check his bilirubin levels, and I began to feel really awful. My blood pressure started to skyrocket again. I had 3 emergency room visits on doctor's orders - each lasting at least 7 hours - before I realized that they were going to do the same tests each time, and that they came up mostly clear each time before they'd send me home again. So even though at one point my blood pressure was at 160/115, I stopped going. I just rested as much as possible, tried to calm myself as much as possible, and waited it out. I was very very afraid though. And just so you know? That pressure you feel just under your chest wall like something heavy pushing outward? It's your milk coming in. You're not having a heart attack. Forgive me my naivete since I was dealing with a bit much at the time.
Even after the blood pressure craziness, E's frequent, shrill, desperate screams had me on a razor's edge all the time. We spent a lot of time holding him on our chests while the other parent would sleep. And it was this desperation that eventually led to our (mostly) co-sleeping situation. We just couldn't do the change off thing indefinitely. Hub had to go back to work after a week, and we were just too exhausted. There was no one else. At one point, I awoke from a complete dead sleep to race out to the living room in order to check if E was breathing... as his Daddy held him. It was a crazy time.
Happily, my blood pressure came down on its own. Doctors tell me that just happens sometimes even without preeclampsia. I definitely had a lot more water retention than I thought because my puffy face that I had attributed to weight gain got thinner in days. Even though those first weeks were the hardest ever in my life, they were also among the most amazing. E taught and still teaches me so much every single day. I've learned to be so much more empathetic, understanding and open. I've learned how to really love and care for another human. He taught me that I can't control everything, and he's given me so much joy.
We must not be doing so badly with him because he's starting to sleep better without me. He falls asleep on his own a lot of times and often puts himself back to sleep when he wakes up (teething barred.) He's much more chill and open to new situations and new people. And this kid seems to LOVE being loved, being happy and sleeping in. He's a blessing for sure.
The End (of this part of the story. ;-)