I've still been dealing with a lot of insecurity, anxiety and maybe even a touch of paranoia at work. I kept thinking that maybe something was really wrong with me, and perhaps I needed a counselor. Today though, I thought about how I feel pretty good at home. Then I realized that it's not really at home, it's when I'm with E. When I'm with E, I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. I feel happy, confident and focused. I don't give a damn what other people think in the slightest.
When I'm away from him I feel lost. I feel scattered. I can't remember the dumbest things. I can't focus as well. I feel insecure and inept. My emotions swing from one end to the other. It's as if someone has stolen part of me.
Maybe this is the a-ha that should have slapped me in the face long ago, but I think I'm still suffering from separation anxiety with him. It's just that I tamped it down so well, I thought I was getting over it. Then when I didn't have a label for it, the anxiety bled all through the other aspects of life apart from my son. I didn't understand why I felt that way, so the situation snowballed. Co-workers who prey on the weak saw that and targeted me. I, in turn, became even more anxiety ridden. It was a vicious cycle.
Like I've experienced before with fertility treatment side effects, once I have a why for feeling this way, sometimes I can cope much more effectively. So I'm going to try this. Per my discussion with a certain helpful someone, I'm going to go a week or two trying to manage my emotions now that I know the probable cause. I'm going to remind myself that what matters is who I know I am, the love of my family and that I and my loved ones are happy. If I can manage pretty well without the horrible gut wrenching anxiety getting the best of me, then I will continue on that path. If not, I will call to see about a therapist. I've been this close to asking for anxiety medication so many times on this post partum journey, but I've dealt with it so far (and it IS much better than before), so let's see if I can work it out again. Hang in there with me won't you?