Do I think motherhood has made me a better person?
I ruminated on this after reading many times how mothers often say it does and that those who are not mothers in whatever situation find that answer frustrating and questionable. It's no secret I've struggled sometimes to understand who I've become after giving birth to E, so I decided to throw my two cents into the heap.
My answer to this is yes and no. Like any of the major life changing events I've experienced (infertility, living on my own far away, marriage, death), I've gained a lot of insight on myself, understanding others and life in general since becoming a mother. I challenge anyone to say they could go through such an amazing (and often difficult!) blessing and not take anything positive away from it. In that way, I suppose I am a better person. I always consider taking away new knowledge from experience a sort of betterment. And in this case, I've learned more in a shorter time than I think I have ever before. I also find that I am happier, calmer, more patient, more loving, more understanding, more fulfilled and more world aware than I have ever been. I'm also much less impulsive and judgmental. Those are also all ways in which I would consider I'm "better," though others around me disagree on some of that.
However, just today I wrote a post in my head while I was at work about how I'm disappointed in myself. While I am very pleased with my role as "E's Mom" and think that I do a great job at that finally, my work suffers greatly. I'm someone who has always garnered a lot of self worth from the quality of work I do and from the opinions of those around me. It's a horrible habit, but one that I have trouble breaking. Since having E, I've been much more scattered, more sensitive (which is good and bad), I can't focus on work well, I don't care as much about doing a pristine job, and I've been much less secure in who I am. My confidence is lacking, and while I used to be able to make people laugh on occasion, I seem to have lost much of my sense of humor. Oh I can appreciate a good joke, but I can no longer seem to bring levity to a situation. I feel that I've become too serious and too prone to mistakes. I'm not the overachiever I once was, and in some ways that makes me sad. I also am now too quick to think I can't accomplish something on my own, whereas at one time, I would have been first in line to prove just how WELL I could accomplish something without anyone else thank you.
So in those ways, I don't feel that motherhood has made me a better person. Again, just like any big life event, I am simply different. Some aspects of my personality have been heightened, some diminished. Some of my abilities are now favored while others have been left in the dust. It's simply a huge adjustment to accept who I am post motherhood. I am absolutely adoring the experience, and I love what it has done for my life on the whole, but sometimes I feel that I am muddling through the absorption of it all.
I'm glad for the discussion on this because it's certainly helped me think a little more clearly on the matter, and I'm sure every single person would take something different away from this sort of introspection.