Yes, I am awake at 3:01 am, typing on my blog. Practice for baby? Perhaps. I call it plain old fashioned anxiety rearing its head as usual, along with a good healthy side dose of "my belly is stretching painfully in a brand new place, my body is a blast furnace, and I can't get comfortable." I remember being astonished in the early stages of this pregnancy that I was so little affected by the mood swings everyone seems to experience. I thought at the time that perhaps I just had such severe mood swings often in my every day life, that these seemed minor in comparison. Now I think maybe that nature was just holding on to throw it at me later.
I'm very stable and happy most of the time but my anxiety levels have been humming at a slightly higher frequency for a while. When you throw in the occasional mood-swingy day, it adds up to a not so pretty picture. Today (yesterday now?) was one of those days. The slightest frustration has the tears welling. Things that normally would annoy me in passing become a fixation. At the same time, issues that have bothered me quite a lot for a while become matters of national security. I feel vulnerable, anxious, unable to affect change and inadequate. Is this what the pregnancy books mean when they say you may be experiencing "uncertainty, fears and changes in emotion?" The funny thing is, it's rarely about the baby himself. For example, right now it has been:
-"How am I going to work full time and care for my baby adequately? I'm a bad Mom!"
-"I'm so tired, I can hardly drag myself into work now. Is this going to continue?"
-"I feel guilty that Hub seems to be eating for two along WITH me at a time when he can't afford to do that either!"
-"People are going to notice my mood swings and think it's something they did, or think I'm ungrateful for this sweet, wonderful miracle in my life."
-"I'm costing us so much money in food and energy costs (because of being so hot at night I have to turn the a/c down), and that's horrible when we need to save so badly."
-"I'm never going to get enough done in this house, and Hub is so busy he doesn't help me enough!"
-"I hardly see Hub for fun stuff anymore, and I hate his work because of it!"
-And the reverse, "I feel guilty for expecting Hub to help me more when he's at a critical break through in his career! I need to support him more, especially since he's waited so long for this and supported me emotionally for years while I did what I needed to do in my career!"
ARGH. I suppose this is the kind of stuff that doesn't end with the birth of the baby huh? Compromises suddenly become huge deals. What a learning curve this all is. I wouldn't give it up for the world, but wow.
