When I was a youngster and later a teenager and young adult, I uttered these phrases with impunity. It was easy for me because I hadn't really faced any of the tough stuff yet. Oh sure, I dealt with the passing of my beloved Grandma in front of me, the loss of a dear cousin and a few other family tragedies, but those things all happened when adults did some of the grieving for me if you know what I mean. Somehow, I found that as a child, the grieving of the adults lifted some of the burden from me. I didn't truly suffer that sort of grief completely on my own shoulders until the passing of my Grandfather and my early miscarriage. And now, as an adult, I more fully understand the complexities of grief and the grieving - that there are no easy words or fixes - that it may never be ok, but it will be better.
And since I grew up, I've become very bitter about those easy words, yet I've never been able to express eloquently why they bother me so. I know part of it is the implication that you, the bereaved, are supposed to be ok with the situation because it's all part of your plan in life. And you know what? I don't feel like I have to be OK. Nor do I really believe in "fate" as a concrete concept in life. In my mind that makes fate and predestination go hand and hand, and isn't that a worrying thought?
In any case, I came across this post ages ago as I was reading the beautiful blog, A Fifth Season. I asked Caitsmom if I could link to this article, and she gave me her blessing. As I was reading it, I said, "YES!" She really nailed the heart of my discomfort here. Her more in depth post to which she linked in the newer one goes into even further detail. I've been thinking about these words a lot lately and felt like I needed to finally get them out in black and white. I don't expect people to all share my thinking, but it feels good to share mine anyway. Thank you Caitsmom for your eloquence.
